Grief is no match for a crystal-embellished heel

Credentials: I'm in bed but it's okay because I own a fabulous shoe.

Last week, my boyfriend’s longtime ex-partner and best friend passed away after a year-long battle with stage four pancreatic cancer. She was young and otherwise healthy. She was free-spirited and uncontrollably generous. She was a pillar of our unconventional family: the mother to Danny, my adopted, bovine-spotted American Bulldog; a woman who offered unwavering support to my bullheaded boyfriend. Her death—like most deaths—was unfair and disorienting.

My solution to pretty much any problem over the past few years has been to work. Satisfaction and distraction. Normally, sitting down at my computer feels like gearing up to conquer the world. But I’ve been struggling to complete daily tasks. I’ve been cancelling plans. Working from bed and hating myself for it. I feel both listless and agitated— critical of everything I do and irritated by anything anyone else does.

In this state, I’ve recognized how primal life has become. I make food. Cuddle my dog. Kiss my boyfriend. Life has been momentarily stripped of complications and excitement. Chipping away at my end-of-July writing deadline is synonymous with making it through the day.

I recently learned that one of the drawbacks of using pigs to hunt truffles is their tendency to eat the truffles they find—an obvious conflict of interest between hog and hunter. I feel like a truffle pig these days, searching for delicious fungi because it’s my job and also because I might get some truffles out of it.

Would an easier metaphor be that I’m dumb like a fish and all I’m up for these days is swimming toward shiny things?

Crystal-embellished shoes are so shiny. They’re so decadent and over the top. A shoe with crystal embellishments kind of looks like a prop. Something reserved for Moulin Rouge or Jen Shah. But this is a lie perpetrated by the anti-fun coalition. Glittering doll shoes are for everyone.

Lena Dunham agrees.

Here’s me in Miu Miu black patent leather crystal-embellished mules. I look fabulous. So fabulous, you might be enticed to purchase the slightly beaten-up pair off TRR I’ve linked below.

I believe these shoes to be good luck. They totally look like a genie would erupt from their crystal florets if you rubbed sensuously enough. Also, I spoke with Chris Rock that night for quite a while because I didn’t recognize him with all the fillers and Botox.

I think wearing crystal-embellished shoes is fun. Owning them is fun. Opening your closet and seeing them peek out like a precocious pageant tween, a twinkle in their eyes, reminds you on a sad day that you’re still glamorous. I also find the look of draped city blacks paired with a Honey Boo Boo heel excessively chic.

Because this is my newsletter and I do what I want, I compiled a list of my favorite crystal-embellished shoes on TRR.

Am I an influencer now? What is an affiliate link?

Miu Miu Pearl Satin Crystal Embellishments Sandals Women's Size 7.5

Delicious as a truffle.

Dolce & Gabbana Leather Crystal Embellishments Sandals Women's Size 8

You could literally say anything to me if you were wearing these.

Miu Miu Tan Leather Crystal Embellishments Slides Women's Size 8

The most unboring neutral flat I’ve ever seen. If you were wearing these with a normal outfit and a baseball cap at the grocery store I would think you were very cool.

Marc Jacobs Plum Leather Crystal Embellishments Loafers Women's Size 7

Jeans, graphic tee, these.

Dolce & Gabbana Sequins Leather Trim Embellishment Pumps Women's Size 6

Of course these are in a size 6 because they are doll shoes!!! I picture a very petite and busty divorcé in these.

Miu Miu Black Suede Crystal Embellishments Pumps Women's Size 9.5

With tights and a LBD.

Miu Miu Black Patent Leather Crystal Embellishments Mules Women's Size 7

For those who want to dress in black-tie and still be close to the ground.

Amina Muaddi Blue Crystal Embellishments Mules Women's Size 8.5

This is my most recent favorite color. This is the color I imagine to find lots of in Chloë Sevigny’s closet.

Dolce & Gabbana Pink Leather Crystal Embellishments Slides Women's Size 7

Wear these to a wedding with a plain dress.

Miu Miu Patent Leather Crystal Embellishments Slides Women's Size 7.5

These are beautiful and also look like a fish with its mouth open.

I hope these shoes make you feel what I feel when I look at them. Folly, adventure, frivolousness, hope. That one day we will wear these in good health and spirit.